(re)birth š
āBecause you are alive, everything is possible.ā āThich Nhat Hanh
Happy full moon~ šŗš„
Iām writing you with a smile on my face because just as I began typing, my baby started hiccuping in my belly. Entering my third trimester this week, Iāve noticed that these hiccups have gotten STRONG. Although itās a bit of a strange sensation of rhythmic pulsing in my belly, it always makes me smile visualizing him hiccuping and floating in the amniotic fluid of my womb.
All the stresses of the day dissolve for just a moment as these hiccups playfully demand my full presence and gratitude.
Speaking of full moonā¦
As I reflect on my pregnancy so far, itās helped to think of it through the lens of moon cycles.
With conception and first trimester, the new moon phase for me felt exciting, mysterious, miraculous. Palpable in my mind and heart, but invisible to the outside world. Hint of a new beginning. Secret, hidden. A seed of intention. Still so vulnerable and so much unknown.
Second trimester was like a waxing crescent moon, steadily growing to be a first quarter moon. Just as a moon begins to appear and take form before our eyes, my body began to grow. New symptoms, belly beginning to swell just a bit, and slowly sharing the news with my village. Less nausea, less disorientation, more energy, and Iām starting to tap into power and flow of creatorship energyāØ, marveling at my bodyās ability to be a home to another heartbeat, an oceanic womb to a growing human baby.
With my third trimester so far, Iāve been feeling the full moon energy to the max. My bellybutton disappearing as my belly is growing and growing. It is real and visible. Tangible. Kicks are stronger, Iām out of breath having a normal conversation. My receptivity and need for rest, nurturing, and support are all growing. I feel abundant and powerfulā¦and also surrender to the truth that thereās not much I can predict or control about the waves of transformation unfolding. I feel like a vast ocean of creative energy and Iām literally vibrating, feeling fuller and fuller as I near my culmination and imminent (re)birth into motherhood.
This all probably sounds so dramatic, but then again, what is pregnancy, if not dramatic? What is creativity, if not miraculous? What the moon cycle has reminded me is the ephemeral, cyclical nature of life. Beginnings and endings, birth and death and rebirth, and death again. And rebirth, once again.
The last 7 months have been a series of uncanny timing ā with nudges, miracles, endings, and beginnings.
Since June of last year, itās felt like my halmoni (ķ ėØøė, grandmother in Korean) has been sending me spiritual nudges. Iāve wondered whether her dementia and advanced stage ovarian cancer had caused her spirit to be less in her physical body on earth and in the aether, to be so present with me across the ocean.
Last week, I remember feeling the rush of publishing that first email and not knowing what to do with myself afterwards, feeling like I bared my soul to the universe after being in my cocoon of transformation this past year.
I didnāt realize just how much I had been holding onto and processing privately, and it felt so expansive and validating to hear from so many of you on what resonated, what youāve been moving through lately, and intentions you have for this year.
I was feeling excited and nervous and relieved sending out the email, when only 15 minutes later, I received a message from my umma (ģė§, mother in Korean) saying āYour grandmother has passed away today on 1/15.ā
I felt numbā¦my heart sank. What?!
While it wasnāt a shock that my halmoni passed away as she had been struggling with her Stage 4 ovarian cancer, dementia, and pneumonia, the timing felt uncanny.
With the (re)birth of Sensorial Mama, followed the passing of my halmoni. With the death of my halmoni, my baby is soon to be born. As they say, when one goes, another comes. With death, new life. With an ending, a new beginning.
These past two weeks, Iāve begun to process her death, but I know thereās still a lot Iām not allowing myself to feel just yet. Grief can shapeshift in mysterious ways you know?
For a long time, I thought I didnāt have any ancestors watching out for me.
As someone who immigrated to the US when I was 7 years old, I didnāt really get to spend much time with my grandparents or my family in Korea besides my appa (ģė¹ , dad in Korean) after my move.
When people told me about their super close relationship with their grandparents or mentioned how theyāre so grateful to have their ancestral guides watching out for them, to be honest, I felt sad. I wished that I, too, had someone watching out for me in the spirit realm.
It was during a breathwork journey in 2021 and a series of vocal toning ceremonies in 2022 through which I first became aware of my ancestral guides making contact with me. More specifically, she introduced herself to me as halmoni, and through bits and pieces of information during the different ceremonies, I realized my maternal great grandmother spirit has been here all along.
Since then, my great grandmother spirit has been an integral part in my journey of liberating my voice. Unshackling myself from generational patterns of suffering, especially as it related to the five generations in my maternal lineage of holding back their creative expression. Empowering myself to speak and be free.
If youāre looking to connect with the ancestral wisdom and support of your lineage as you share your voice with the world, Iād love to support. Book a consultation call with me here.
Rooting for you,
Eunice
āIf you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.ā
ā Thich Nhat Hanh
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Connect with me on Instagram: @eunice.ks.